Three main causes of dejection
All people become dejected from time to time and feel bad. But sometimes dejection becomes too frequent a guest in our life. Life turns into a string of dull, boring, heavy days, and every day is like Groundhog Day. So how do you get rid of dejection and a bad mood in ordinary life?
I have probably become a real expert on negative emotions, exhaustion and not wanting to live — in the sense that I spent a great deal of time in that state! And I had to put in an enormous amount of effort to work out why dejection arises in my life, why church life by itself does not help me get rid of it, and what really can help.
First of all I understood that feeling dejected from time to time is… normal! Dark colours have their place in life too. So what can we take away from these sad moments? We can understand what we really want, feel the contrast with the ordinary flow of life, understand how we want to feel in different situations. There is no point in scolding myself for the years spent in a gloomy state — it is valuable and important experience, thanks to which I can appreciate all the more the way I eventually learned to feel.
Sometimes a depressed state does not in fact arise by itself but is created by us for someone, with some purpose hidden even from our own consciousness. Perhaps it comes from a wish that the people around us and the world would change and match our expectations, or it seems to us that the world is unfair to us. If we like repeating “I am so tired, I am ill, I feel awful!”, that may indicate that we do not know how, or are afraid, to ask others for attention and care, or to tell them directly about our needs (and ourselves too, for that matter).
I have identified three main causes of dejection and low mood, which I now want to share with you.
Exhaustion
We fall into a state of moral exhaustion when it seems to us that we are doing something not of our own will, as if we had been compelled or forced. And even if we are doing something of our own will, but there is no inner agreement with these actions, a feeling arises that someone else needs this and not us, that there is no benefit in it for us, only a waste of strength. And this sense that our actions are forced appears when outwardly we submit while inwardly we resist, do not want to do it, and do it only because we “must” — and in the end we get very tired not from spending strength but from this inner struggle and tension. And when we feel inner exhaustion, we can immediately ask ourselves the question: what is it that I actually do not agree with? What do I think has been imposed on me and seems unfair to me?
Resisting something takes enormous strength from us; we simply want to say: “Everyone leave me alone, do not touch me!”
One young mother found it genuinely hard with small children, and when she complained to a friend once again about her hard life, she heard in reply — it feels as if these children were forced on you! When the hurt had passed, she began to think — but it is true, this is my choice, my life, so why do I perceive looking after the children as if I were being made to do it against my will? After that not-so-easy realisation, coping with the children became far easier for her!
After all, there is another, positive kind of tiredness — when we are inspired, have worked well, have done a lot, and then the feelings are completely different. This means the point is not that we are simply tired, but that we are tired precisely from inner tension, which takes most of our strength.
Loss of focus
Exhaustion also comes from a loss of focus, when we take on everything at once, fuss about, and simply wear ourselves out. We cannot separate the main things from the secondary ones, we rush about, forget everything, are late everywhere, but cannot give anything up. We forget to “charge our battery” in time, we want to heat the whole universe instead of giving attention to the things that really matter.
And we cannot tell where our area of responsibility lies and what is outside it. What is beyond it, we can hand over to other people to do, or refuse to do at all. Then we can get rid of the chaos in our life and stop being exhausted. With my clients, the first thing I help them do is focus on the most important thing in their life and discard what is unnecessary, and then dejection dissolves like smoke in the light of joy from new victories and achievements.
Disappointment
Another cause of dejection — disappointment — comes from our excessively high expectations. It is simply wonderful when we have big goals, but it is important to be able to live with what we have right now. For example — there is a wish to find your dream job. In that case it is worth thinking about what I am already good at now, what I can already do — and what next step I can take. On the question of losing weight, for instance, it helped me to tell myself that I am already beautiful and healthy enough as it is, and simply to take the next step.
Many of the people who come to me for support want to get everything at once, so that their life changes instantly. Yes, we can move quickly from one level to another, but a long path has to be travelled gradually. It seems to us that only the final result can make us glad, whereas in reality we get enormous pleasure and interesting experience precisely in the process of reaching our goal!
We become disappointed when we see how far we still have to go, and this happens when we want to get something for nothing, without putting in effort. To get something instantly, without doing something important for ourselves every day, without learning anything, without allowing ourselves to develop and to gain new, incredibly interesting and useful experience.
It is far more pleasant to make small discoveries every day than to dream that as soon as we get what we want, everything in our life will change by itself! Yes, getting married, having children, increasing your income — these are necessary and important goals, but the problems will not disappear once they are reached, if you do not develop and go forward.
How to defeat dejection
Write in the comments below which of these cases resonated with you, which was “about you”, and now I can give you three recommendations for each of these cases separately, ones that have already worked excellently in my own experience.
1) Exhaustion from a sense of compulsion
Here it is important to learn to agree, to start seeing that what you are doing is beneficial for you too, and then the energy will be completely different. Or else to understand that this is not for you at all, and then take up what you genuinely like. Find the work that really resonates with you! Think up how to do what you usually do with greater pleasure, what you could add, what pleasant elements. For example, such a simple action as putting on music while cleaning, or listening to interesting lectures through wireless headphones, makes the process far more pleasant. Try using your imagination, doing what you used to enjoy but forgot about behind a pile of “necessary” tasks, leaving no room for pleasant things!
2) Loss of focus, when you want to embrace the unembraceable and then lie there with no strength left
To miss nothing, to get everything done… Sit down and think — what is the most important thing in my life? What matters to me? And then, starting from your priorities, build a more coherent style of life. It is important to see 2–3 concrete priorities on which you will direct your strength! Everything else — on a leftover basis. And then you will be able to achieve excellent results by concentrating your energy into a powerful stream, as happens with a ray of sunlight passing through a magnifying glass.
3) Disappointment from excessive expectations
In this case it is important to reduce expectations, not to expect that what I have dreamed of for many years will happen this very minute, to give yourself time, to set a normal pace of life for yourself. Not to expect instant super-results, but to allow the results to be greater than you expect. Then the almost-forgotten feeling of happiness will start to appear, and we will be more satisfied that things are working out. And that will give enormous strength to move forward and go on acting, without worrying about dejection. Learn to value every small step of yours, every micro-result — no one but you will do it!
Rest
And the most important thing when you are dejected is to learn to rest. That is not so simple! How often it happens that after a hard day you cannot even fall asleep, on a trip you think about work, while playing with the children you think about problems, and as for eating — that is done on the run. Restoring your strength is a whole art. When we are alone with ourselves, we can better understand the key points — how am I creating chaos in my life, how do I get exhausted, and from what, and which high expectations do not inspire me but oppress me. And in moments of rest it is easy to see what to do next!
I wish you victory over dejection!
This article of mine was published here: http://www.matrony.ru/tri-glavnyie-prichinyi-unyiniya/#ixzz3bIqRHl3N
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