Inna Shukshina

Good day, dear readers! And I think that if you are reading my site, these topics are relevant to you — how to learn to hear yourself, to trust your feelings, to start valuing and accepting yourself, and to improve your relationships with those around you. And the experience of those who are already getting inspiring results in their own lives will be very useful to you! Recently one of my wonderful coaching clients, Ekaterina, wrote about her realisations on the topic of overcoming dependence on her husband’s opinion.

“I am currently going through personal coaching. Its main goal is to learn to see a person in myself, to love myself in the normal, good sense of the word, to respect myself. One of the problems I ran into on this path was overcoming dependence on other people’s opinions. It dawned on me that I thought through and carried out many of my actions while trying to satisfy the opinion of people who mattered to me (in childhood these were my grandfather and grandmother, who raised me; later — a boss or a senior, respected colleague; when I married — my husband). I want to share my thoughts about one of the reasons for this and about ways of overcoming it, using my communication with my husband as an example, in the first article of my life…

As I have already said, my husband’s opinion matters a great deal to me. On the whole this is not a bad thing — he is the closest person, my “other half”. But only up to a point — until his opinion becomes more significant to me than my own, that is, until an acute dependence appears. You voluntarily begin to lose your own self, and that has to be fought.

My dependence on my husband’s opinion shows itself in my trying to make our opinions on all the questions we discuss (or at least the ones that matter to me) identical. And I try to do this in two ways.

The first way is that I prove to him that I am right and try to bring him round to it. Foaming at the mouth, I lay out every possible argument for him. In doing so I turn myself inside out in the literal sense of the words — I open up depths of my being to him that sometimes I do not even suspect in myself. I put into words things I could not admit even to myself. After this “turning inside out” I feel, to put it mildly, awful. I feel more than “naked”, “without skin”, completely drained of strength. And the goal is not achieved!!! He still has his own opinion, although sometimes he agrees with me just to put an end to an argument that has dragged on.

But is it even possible for two people always to have absolutely identical opinions?
Absolutely not! We are different people, even though we are joined in marriage. We are of different sexes. We grew up in different families. Before we married we each had a completely different life experience behind us. Each of us is unique and unrepeatable. And it turns out that we simply cannot have identical opinions on most questions. It is impossible! And at the same time it is a very good thing! We need different opinions. By exchanging them we can help each other in various situations, help each other develop, look at things more broadly, become better… It is only very important to do it without being pushy and without ultimatums, and of course not to take offence at an opinion that differs from your own…

When listening to another opinion that does not match yours, it is important to remember that in “showing the other side of the coin” my husband is not doing it to show how flawed or underdeveloped I am. By doing it he is showing his care for me. He is thinking about something connected with me. That means it matters to him. That means he loves me!

The second way to “equalise” our opinions is to remake myself to fit him — to come to love what I do not love, to start doing what I cannot stand doing, and so on. Mechanically, without rethinking anything. This method is used when the first one does not “work”. On the principle: “If the mountain will not come to Mohammed, then Mohammed must go to the mountain.” A brutal method, I have to tell you. Very painful. And most importantly — also useless. Because no matter how much I remake myself, my husband will never understand me one hundred per cent. He will never — however much I or even he himself might want it — be able to become me!

In the attempt to equalise my husband’s opinions and mine you can see pride. It shows itself in the idea that my opinion (in the first method) and his opinion (in the second) is the only correct one. And that other opinions simply have no right to exist. And yet this is wrong from the very start! Each of us has grounds for our own opinion, and that must be respected…

So what should you do?

You need to gather your courage and accept this given — my husband and I may, and simply must, have different opinions on the same questions. That is normal, that is simply wonderful! And so that these opinions do not become a constant cause of conflict, I have identified the following key points for myself:

1. Allow my husband to have his own opinion, different from mine. Accept them (my husband and his opinion) as they are. I must admit this is not easy for me. Accepting him (my husband) as he is, without judging or trying to remake him, is only possible once you have accepted yourself. And I am on the very path of accepting myself… Well, as they say, there is something to work on.

2. If it concerns a “whole-family” question. You have to learn to come to an agreement, rather than stubbornly insisting on your own way or just as stubbornly accepting your husband’s point of view. To learn to hold a dialogue. There are simple methods for this. They are covered in the coaching, in fact. Another idea from the coaching is to try to bring an element of play into it. After all, learning is interesting. Experimenting. If at a given moment and on a given question you cannot come to an agreement, it is important to say “Stop!” to yourself and agree on a time-out for thinking. This makes it possible to step away from conflict and from a conversation in raised voices.

3. If it concerns you as a person. Let your husband know that his opinion, and the care expressed in it, matter to me. And that I will certainly take it into account. That is important. He is showing care this way, and so simply discarding his opinion as unnecessary would hurt him. Think the situation over once more, taking his opinion into account. Maybe he is right. And I will do as he said. But by then it will be my own personal decision, and I will bear the responsibility for making it and carrying it out. Which means there can be no talk of dependence.

P.S. I cannot help admitting that I do not always manage to apply the solutions I have found to the question in hand. The old track is far too well worn and it is extremely hard to turn off the familiar path. It is not for nothing that they say the hardest work is work on yourself… But there is also this wonderful saying, which supports me a great deal: the road will yield to the one who walks it! And so, falling and getting up and continuing on the way, you must go forward, reminding yourself of your own conclusions and of the joy of the result achieved — love and harmony in relationships — which, with God’s help, you will certainly manage to reach!”

If you liked the article and want results and realisations like these, write to inly@list.ru — right now I am ready to take on one more client in personal coaching!