Inna Shukshina

Even with the most wonderful husband you sometimes get angry, irritated, unable to understand why he does something one way and not another, and why he does not do something else at all. You want to explain it to him, but, strangely enough, words of “truth” make few people happy, and tension appears in the relationship. So how do you learn to manage your emotions and improve your relationship with your husband, without breaking yourself and without pretending?

Today I want to share a three-step method that helps me and many other women to make family life full of love!

Step one. The blacksmith of my own happiness is me

Until we take responsibility for ourselves and our relationship onto ourselves, we go round a vicious circle of accusations, hurts and disappointments. If you are convinced that your husband is to blame for all the misfortunes and problems, then this is an irresponsible relationship. But this does not mean the opposite — that you alone are to blame for all the problems! Responsibility helps us leave behind the very notion of blame.

If we do not recognise our own share of responsibility, chaos will reign in our family life. There will be a feeling that he does everything the wrong way, while I am powerless, since he does not want to listen and change anything I do not like. In this case we do not see our own contribution and how we ourselves influence other people; we take a passive position — merely evaluating the other person’s actions. But if we leave half of the responsibility to our husband, without demanding or forcing but giving freedom, and take our own half on ourselves, then astonishing changes gradually begin.

When we understand that we are the cause of everything that happens to us, this also gives us the strength to change the situation. We always have a choice — to take offence and suffer, or to act differently. As long as we are proving to ourselves and others that the husband is bad and I am good, we may feel that we are right, but never happy. Whereas when we ask questions — what is my contribution to this relationship? What could I try doing differently? — that is the path to a completely different level of relationship and to different feelings.

Step two. Watch yourself, be careful

All the hurts and rows often come from one single thought that stings painfully, for example: “He could have, but he simply did not want to, because he does not love me.” Or: “He has not done it again, he does not give a damn about me.” Everything we do next on the basis of such a premise will only make the relationship worse. But if we proceed from the assumption that I am loved until proven otherwise, then the actions will be different too. Often the very same scenario is repeated many times over in a relationship

And you probably understand that by saying the same thing and acting the same way, the result you get will be one you have known for a long time. If we start acting more consciously and tracking our own reactions, then there is a chance to catch a gathering storm while it is still in the bud and decide what I can do in a new way. To think: will what I am about to do strengthen my relationship with my husband? Will it make it better? If I have done the same thing ten times before and it improved nothing, why do I feel like getting angry now? What is the trigger in situations like this?

Maybe I am angry at myself about something but do not want to admit it, or I am tired, or I have not eaten, or I have not given myself anything nice for a long time. Maybe it is better for me to tell my husband about my mood directly and ask for support rather than making him the cause, or else to go off to a quiet spot and sit it out there until the feelings settle. Your husband will hear you only if there is no subtext of “you are bad and I am displeased with you” in your words; otherwise he will hear only that subtext and will react exclusively to it.

Step three. Taking care of ourselves = taking care of our husband

You will probably agree with me that a woman who is unhappy with her haircut can spoil the mood of a dozen more people around her. And it is rarely necessary to work on the relationship itself as on something separate. More often everything falls into place when we are happy with our relationship with ourselves, with the world around us, and generally simply feel good. A dissatisfied person will always be dissatisfied with everything, and everyone around them will seem to be doing everything wrong. But as soon as we start learning to be content and happy, and to do something towards that ourselves, we will want to share our joy and warmth with those around us too.

When we expect support, love and attention only from outside, we will most often be saddened and upset. People’s support matters, but when we depend too much on having it, it starts to harm us and our relationships with people.

Whereas if we have a wide range of ways to support ourselves, it is easier in a relationship to calm down and not to go too far, not to get carried away with criticism. But if we are used only to giving, to supporting everyone around us except ourselves, then sooner or later our fuel will run out and we will be left with the question — and what about me? When will someone give something back to me? And the accumulated tension will inevitably lead to a breakdown, during which it is sometimes simply impossible to stop.

So it turns out that when we take care of ourselves and give ourselves pleasure, we are protecting those close to us from breakdowns, complaints and criticism. Few people are moved to the depths of their soul by floors the lady of the house has washed, whereas our resentment and shouting on the theme of “nobody helps me” can stay in the memory for a long time and hurt painfully.

Maybe it is better if I learn to ask for help or put off some task, rather than overtiring myself and snapping at those close to me? Perhaps the task left undone will deprive me of the inner title of “the best and most proper one”, but will help me become calmer? If, of course, the goal of my life is to become happier and more joyful, rather than to be the most right and the most proper, proving every day to myself or to someone inside us that I am the best homemaker, mother and wife. And if we know how to make ourselves feel good and happy, then we will be able to do it for others too. So that they actually feel good, rather than appreciating what we think they are obliged to appreciate.

Conclusion

The conclusion from all these steps is very simple — it is important to shift the focus of your attention and your concentration from your husband to yourself. What is happening with me right now? How do I feel? What do I want? How can I ask for something firmly, but with love and respect? How can I support myself or do something nice for my husband? Because in the end he is a human being too, and it is not always easy for him either.

Love each other, cherish each other and be happy!

If you want a personal consultation about your problem, to work through the beliefs that keep you from feeling calm and joyful, and to improve your family relationships, write to inly@list.ru!