Inspire your husband or fulfil yourself?
Over the last few years the question of whether I need fulfilment as a person and as a professional at all, or whether my main mission is to be the keeper of the hearth, to care for the children and to support my husband in his fulfilment, has been very relevant to me. Where should I put my personal goals, where does the useful end and egoism begin, will my family feel neglected while I fulfil myself? And what will be better for me myself, and do I have the right to do as I want?
There was a period in my life when it seemed to me that a woman’s main calling is the home and inspiring her husband. Having given birth to a child, I put all my ideas and projects aside with a sigh and began living his life, constantly afraid of not giving him enough, not loving him enough, traumatising him with something. I was afraid that even a short separation from me would be fatal for my son and would have a bad effect on his future. But at some point I realised that it was as if I myself did not exist. My appearance, my successes and my wishes seemed to be needed by no one and of interest to no one. It was very hard for me to pull myself out of that pit and motivate myself to create a life of my own, into which the family’s life would be woven organically without filling it completely. So that I would not feel guilty when I gave time to myself. So that my activities would not only not take strength and time away from the family, but would in the end bring benefit to everyone.
Recently I was asked what I think about the idea of a woman’s calling being to be her husband’s muse and inspiration, so that the husband earns a lot while the wife takes care of the household duties and the children, has a hobby if she wishes, learns to ask her husband for money for necessities, and is feminine and spiritually developed.
And even those women who do not put the question so directly are still sometimes tormented deep down by the question — who actually needs this? Perhaps everyone would be better off if I only looked after the home, or did a job that is uninteresting but stable and well paid, instead of trying to bring my ideas to life?
And today I want to talk to you about why it is worth trying yourself out at all, looking for work you love, having a hobby, starting your own business, even if your husband earns well and at first it brings no noticeable contribution to the budget. About 4 benefits that I found for myself and that help those of my clients who badly lacked an outlet and creative fulfilment amid the string of chores and family matters to find themselves.
1) Your own personal income for your own personal goals
A frequent drawback of only the husband earning in the family is that all your purchases have to be agreed with your husband. He may not even want to know about all these things, but the fear of spending money “on the wrong thing” pushes wives to ask permission for every purchase. And if the husband simply allocates a sum per month, it may be a very small sum that is not enough to carry out anything big. Money you have earned yourself can be invested more in what you want.
2) An example for the children
If a mother has not managed to find work she loves, to work through her relationship with work and money, if little makes her glad, then it will also be harder to teach the children how to live their own interesting life, achieve their goals, hear their own wishes and enjoy life. But if children have before them the example of an inspired woman who likes her work, then this example will most likely inspire them too and help them in the future.
3) A more interesting life
When all your attention is concentrated only on those close to you, sooner or later it becomes boring. And they too get tired of that kind of care, which often spills over into resentments and grievances. I try so hard for you, and you do not appreciate it! It often happens that when a woman finally starts doing things for herself, doing things that in someone’s eyes are not even necessary — writing articles, for example, filming videos, sewing, drawing — everyone breathes a sigh of relief. Less control, less lecturing, and more good mood, lightness and fun!
4) A fulfilled woman is more interesting to her husband
When a wife has some separate, full life of her own, others take an interest in her more often. Everyone suddenly becomes curious — what is it that she is so absorbed in? What is going on with her? It is one thing for a husband to listen to his wife’s complaints about her boss, her colleagues and her tiredness, and quite another to hear about a beloved project that never gets boring. Or a worn-out, dejected mother, as opposed to one who knows how to set aside time to care for herself.
The main discovery for me was that when you give time to what you genuinely like, to what you want, when you do what your soul inclines to, the family only gains from it. When something is not right inside, there will be nervous breakdowns, resentments and anxiety. But when you are glad of every day and feel an interest in life, those close to you become happier too. It turned out that my husband is not at all against having a successful wife, and he even started working better and earning more himself, seeing beside him the example — not of a workhorse or a shapeless grey something, but of a bright and interesting woman. Although at first it happens that men are against any activity of their wife that does not lead straight to income or obvious benefit; but when they see the result — shining eyes, an inner light and inspiration — men react very positively! And children are proud of their mother’s successes, especially as they grow up, when it starts to matter to them. Financial success also helps make the family’s life easier. But the most important thing is the inner feeling, when you feel more confident and there is more energy and desire to live.
One of my clients, a young mother, when she started taking care of herself and listening to her wishes, overcame her nervous breakdowns, her children became calmer and happier, and she discovered a creative talent in herself. Another, still unmarried, when she learned to support herself, felt alive; the work that had stopped making her glad became interesting to her, and she found herself precisely in it. A third client wanted to find work with a higher income, but in the process of accepting herself she learned to negotiate with people, began to feel more confident, and was offered a promotion in the job she already had. And that is simply wonderful!
Write and tell me what doubts you see in yourself about starting to do what inspires you! How would you live if you allowed yourself to do what you like and learned to hear yourself?
Examples of client stories https://innashukshina.eu/en/category/articles/coaching/
People often come to me asking for a personal consultation, but I cannot take everyone. Some find it convenient to come to an open webinar, but some have a poor internet connection or the time does not suit them, or they want to discuss their situation more deeply and individually without other people present. And now here is some pleasant news for those who have long wanted to understand themselves in more detail, who are already tired of trying alone, for a long time and with difficulty, to understand the cause of their difficulties, to look for answers to their questions, to work out what stops them living a joyful, full life. For those who no longer want to spend long months and years doubting, being afraid of making the wrong choice, scolding themselves for mistakes, going round in circles without moving forward.
And right now I have the opportunity to take on two people for a personal consultation by Skype or phone. It is better to reply today, to be sure of getting a place and signing up in time. We will look at your request in more detail and you will get from me a valuable recommendation about what suits you in your particular situation, as well as personal support and a step-by-step plan for reaching your goal.
Write to me in reply to this letter, briefly: what city you are from, what your problem is and what goal you want to achieve, why you decided to turn to me specifically, what times and days suit you so that we can find a time convenient for you and for me, your Skype, and if I am ready to take you on, I will send the payment details and we will meet for the consultation! Address inly@list.ru
Here are the results my clients get even after just one Skype consultation:
If you do not believe in yourself and it feels as if the world is not supporting you
“It is amazing how one phrase can change me. At a simple consultation before the start of the coaching group I shared my state with you (deep down I expected that a lot of work would be needed on it). You hit the mark with the idea: “How about spending the end of the world in a great way?”… And then my gloomy grey picture cracked, and light poured through the cracks. I remembered that I do have plans, interesting things I want to do, beloved and dear people I want to see.
After that conversation and the change in the direction of my thoughts I did not change fundamentally straight away: I went on seeing the dangerous and sad aspects of my surroundings; but I already had other interests — what else good and interesting I could do. There was no longer an oppressive state, but an interest in life.” Nelya
Problems at work
It was pleasant to deal with Inna as a consultant. She treats another person’s problems with respect, and there is no awkwardness in communicating, no worry that I will be unpleasantly hurt in some way — a very attentive and
She offers solutions that involve some strain (it seems you cannot resolve anything without it), but they lead to the situation shifting from where it was stuck and moving towards being put right. She helps you look at it from a completely different angle. I liked that her solutions do not vanish into thin air but work and help.” I.
Write to me if you genuinely want to change something in your life for the better, to feel love for life and inspiration!
Regarding personal consultations and coaching, write to inly@list.ru or to Skype desnly!
Inna Shukshina, coach, psychologist. I help women and men solve problems at work, learn to negotiate, find the reason for the absence of joy in life and the lack of motivation, start doing what they enjoy, and improve relationships with those close to them. I give people results
– clinical psychologist
– certified coach in the method of the psychologist Irina Udilova
– author of articles on the popular portal matrony.ru
– mother of three children and 10 years of a successful marriage
– host of master classes and practising consultant
– author-compiler of the book “I believe — I do not believe. A dialogue with an atheist.” and founder of the Orthodox society “Our faith” at Phystech (MIPT)
– has helped many women become happier and improve relationships in the family
– trained with coaches, well-known experts on family relationships and book authors Irina Udilova and Anton Ustupalov
Download the book “5 steps to loving yourself” for free
https://innashukshina.eu/en/book-5-steps-to-self-love/
Write to me at inly@list.ru if you want to ask your own personal question!
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