Love for yourself and egoism
What is love for yourself? Different people understand this notion differently; some say that loving yourself is bad, others that it is simply essential. Let us try to work out where the line between love and egoism lies, how a lack of love for yourself shows itself, whether we need love for ourselves and whether it is possible for an Orthodox person.
Egoism
Egoism is the childlike behaviour in which a child feels themselves to be the centre of the universe, feels that everything is for them, and is not yet able to think about other people. With age, egoism becomes a way of proving something to people; there is a lot of struggle in it. It arises when we do not respect other people’s needs and think only about our own. When we feel good and the people around us feel bad, when we achieve something at the expense of others, when we go towards our goal at any price. When being right matters more to us than preserving the relationship, when we do not try to put ourselves in another person’s place, when we treat life as a consumer and want only to take without wanting to give.
When we speak about love for yourself, arguments often arise around the phrase “Love your neighbour as yourself”. Some suggest carrying out only the first part of the phrase, on the assumption that we all love ourselves anyway, and excessively at that. Others try to understand what it means to love another as yourself. Does it mean treating others the way you treat yourself? “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” If we act out of egoism, then sooner or later there will be other people who will not respect our interests either.
So, the signs of egoism:
- we want to prove something to others
- we do not respect other people’s needs
- we go towards our goal at any price
- we do something for ourselves to the detriment of others
- we want only to take and do not want to give
This is exactly how opponents of the notion understand love for yourself. But when you love only yourself, that is egoism; when you love not only yourself, that is love; and when you do not love yourself, it is hard to love others truly.
A lack of love for yourself
If we do not love ourselves, we will try to sacrifice ourselves and our interests up until the moment when our resources become exhausted. What is not replenished runs dry. If we want only to give and do not want to take care of ourselves, sooner or later dissatisfaction and resentment towards the people around us will start to accumulate. “I do everything for you, and you!” We will start feeling like a victim of the people around us, we will start voicing complaints and accusations to them. We will show a lack of love for people and will do everything out of a desire to please, to gratify someone.
This is that very man-pleasing which is not welcomed in Orthodoxy. Sooner or later a moment will come when it will be impossible both to please people and to stay true to your principles, and the whole beautiful shell we have built up of a person who is pleasant to others will crumble in an instant.
But if we respect ourselves and take care of ourselves, then it will also be easier for us to show respect and care to other people. In love for people from such a state there will be no hurts and complaints, because we will decide for ourselves what we are ready to give other people and what is already beyond our strength. At what moment we ourselves need support, when it is time to rest or to do something nice for ourselves.
When we take responsibility for our own good state and mood, we stop taking offence at other people. Because a person who loves and respects themselves knows how to say no at the right moment. Love for people does not mean one unbroken yes — “come in, anyone who likes, take whatever you want”. Most often we do not define the boundaries of our personal space for other people ourselves, and then we take offence when they are violated.
This happens because it seems to us that refusing people is not nice, that a loving person always says yes. But in practice it turns out that when we say yes against our will, then afterwards both we and those around us suffer.
There is also a lot of lack of love for yourself in egoism, because such an approach to life does not bring real satisfaction or happiness and does not help you find inner harmony and peace. We remain thirsting in the desert, and no trophies won can fill the inner emptiness.
Love for yourself
Love for yourself helps us defend our principles and not allow ourselves to be used or forced to do what we do not want. And it also helps us respect other people, their principles and their choices, and frees us from the passionate desire to talk everyone round and force them to accept our principles. It teaches us to be different — and at the same time to be together. Not to allow the complete dissolving of ourselves in another person, which brings a great deal of pain in the future. It leads us from independence and codependence to interdependence.
We are independent individuals, but we need each other. We need love and support, but we can also support ourselves rather than only waiting for it from others. In a state of love the opinion of people close to us or of authorities matters to us, but we do not spend our life constantly wondering who thought what about us or who did not approve of us.
Pain leaves love, because when there is a lot of love inside, it is pleasant to share it with those around you and easy to receive it; whereas when you are like someone thirsting in the desert and demanding love, care and attention from people, you are like a small child dependent on adults. And you will never get enough, however much is poured into us, love will always be too little.
If there is no love inside, then we may do things for people, for the family, with our last remaining strength, to the detriment of ourselves and our own interests. That is precisely when we quarrel with those close to us, shout, get angry and irritated — when we have given a lot and, as it seems to us, received little in return. Neither love, nor respect, nor help. A lack of love for yourself can easily land you in hospital or lead to a nervous breakdown, when we shove ourselves onto a far shelf like an unwanted object. We forget our goals, dreams, plans and interests for the sake of ideas about duty or helping someone. It sounds beautiful, but in this mode we will not last long; it is very important to keep the balance of taking and giving.
Love for yourself helps us be happy and filled with love in any circumstances. Because the source of happiness is within and does not directly depend on other people’s behaviour. If our mood depends only on what is happening around us, it will be bad far more often than good. When we sacrifice our goals, dreams and calling for the sake of others, most often no one will appreciate that sacrifice afterwards, and we will feel very bitter and hurt.
But if we learn to combine our own interests with thinking about the benefit to other people, then our inner “fuel” will never run out and we will not turn into someone thirsting, trying to find their inner fullness in other people. The more love we have inside, the better we are able to take care of ourselves and respect ourselves, the more we can teach other people and the more we can give them.
The signs of love for yourself:
- the ability to defend your principles
- the ability to say no
- taking care of yourself, rather than expecting it only from others
- thinking not about how to please and gratify people, but about what useful thing to do for them
- faithfulness to your own self, your dreams and goals, respect for your own needs
- doing things for yourself — but not to the detriment of others
Try to track what you do out of an intention to bring benefit to people, to take care of yourself, out of love for yourself, and what you do out of a wish to prove something, to gratify someone, out of fear of offending people. Observe what there is more of in your life — love for yourself or a lack of it. Take the first step on the path to loving yourself: start doing something for yourself personally every day, do what you actually want to do! Something you have long not dared to do or have denied yourself! And then life, from being gloomy, dreary and heavy, will become more joyful, lighter and more filled with love with every day!
Inna Shukshina
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