Inna Shukshina

I now have three children, I do a great many things during the day, and yet my mood is quite often peaceful, calm or joyful. I take pleasure in simple things too — a walk, fragrant tea, a pie that turned out well and the funny things the children say. My motherhood now is not entirely free of worries, but it brings a lot of joy, and there is the chance to rest and to do something for myself. But at the very beginning of my path everything was completely different. Back then, being a mother was hard labour for me.

When my beloved and long-awaited child was born — and the pregnancy had not been an easy one, with a lot of worry and anxiety — I wanted to do everything for him. I was afraid of shortchanging him in any way, of failing to give him anything he needed. His crying made me start panicking immediately and wondering what was going on, what was wrong. I looked for the very best methods of infant care and the most advanced methods of upbringing.

The most frightening thing of all was causing some psychological trauma: not loving him enough, not carrying him in my arms enough, not feeding him enough. It seemed to me that all this would be fatal and irreparable. It did not even cross my mind to think about what I myself wanted, what my needs and desires were, how I could take care of myself. I thought back then that this was egoism, and that my mission was to sacrifice everything for the sake of my child: my time, my strength, my dreams, my appearance, my health.

This view of motherhood fitted very neatly with an Orthodox (as I then understood it) worldview: renounce yourself, live for others, forget about yourself. And mothers who said that “a happy mother means a happy child” seemed to me to be egoists unwilling to sacrifice anything for others.

“You must love others, not yourself!” — I thought back then, with a certain amount of something close to hatred. I also judged those who did not look after their children themselves but brought in outside helpers, or sent them to nursery early.

And all this would have gone on further, had I had more natural strength, stamina and health. I came to my senses after our third child appeared and discovered with surprise that I had the symptoms of a pre-diabetic state and 35 kg of excess weight. And this was no accident: I had no time to think about myself, and the only joy and pleasure I could allow and permit myself was sweets in the evening, when all the children had fallen asleep. It was cheap, available during any fast, and gave the illusion of a rise in energy. Besides, it became hard for me to get out of bed in the mornings and to do ordinary household chores.

More and more often a state of apathy came over me; I did not want to do anything, nothing made me glad. My reflection in the mirror was depressing too — instead of a young woman of 26 I saw a woman worn out by life. I could not even imagine how other people lived differently — with travel, with nice things, with joy and interest in life.

Having decided to give everything to others, I left nothing for myself, and in the end there was nothing left to give either. If you scoop the water out of a spring right down to the bottom, there will be nothing left to give the thirsty. It was precisely on hitting rock bottom that I began to see clearly and to repent of all the judgement I had previously directed at those who gave time not only to their family and children but also to themselves personally.

I began to think about how it had come about that I had let myself go so badly and driven myself into such a dead end. Despite the fact that my husband helped as much as he could, I did not notice many of my own needs. And even when I did get some rest, I could not relax and instead suffered more from various unpleasant thoughts and states.

At some point I decided to change my life and started by giving up sweets. But the main thing was the inner changes. I began to look for sources of joy in something other than sweets and endless self-analysis and searching for the causes of my troubles. Back then I very much lacked a wise person who would support and guide me.

The most interesting part was the thawing of my emotions. At one point I genuinely stopped feeling love and was in an equally depressed state most of the time. I was ashamed to admit this to anyone, and I was already braced to hear that we ourselves were to blame for my state — that we had not thought it through, had had all these children, and now could not cope. It is very bitter and shameful to say that your own beloved children tire and drain you.

Until, at last, after a long search and much study, I found the things that helped me start living quite differently. Without pangs of conscience, dejection, constant anxiety and overwork. To describe them all would take a great deal of time; for now I will share some of them.

— Do not spend too much time looking for the causes of your problems. Try doing some new, very simple things. They will help you find the right answer faster than hours of reflection on your own;

— Find the one key thing on which your day is built. Changing exactly that can improve everything fundamentally. It seems to all of us that if only I had more helpers, money, strength and time, it would all work out, and that as things are it is not even worth trying. But do not underestimate the hidden resources of what you already have;

— Make a list of the things you enjoy doing. If you have long forgotten about yourself, this may feel very unfamiliar and strange, and even somewhat awkward to admit to yourself. But it is exactly these things that will help you reach a new level of life and start feeling joy;

— Every day, be sure to do something simple that inspires you, that is pleasant. It could be freshly brewed tea in the morning of exactly the brand you like, or buying a beautiful new cup, or a new hairstyle, or a nice-smelling lip balm…

— The “teaspoons” principle, which young mothers like very much when I tell them about it. If you see a mountain of dishes in front of you, for example, and your mood immediately drops because you will have to do so much, tell yourself: right now I will wash just a couple of teaspoons. That is not hard, they are small and usually almost clean anyway. In the process you will most likely want to wash a mug and a plate as well. On the next go, a bit more;

— If you are tired, sit down and take a break straight away. Do not wait until you are ready to drop. Let it be 5 minutes, and let the task be abandoned halfway;

After I started applying these principles that help me support myself, my life gradually began to change. I looked to the future with greater optimism, I began to take more joy in the children, in talking with them, in household duties. Strength appeared for self-realisation as well; life began to seem interesting, all my health problems were gradually resolved, I became far more energetic and began to feel love.

These are only the simplest and most basic things you can start with. Remember yourself, and your children will be even happier!

This article of mine was published on the portal matrony.ru http://www.matrony.ru/o-materinskom-vyigoranii-i-istoshhenii/

Inna Shukshina

If you want me personally to look into your situation, give you personal recommendations and show you the way out of a dead end, write to me, and if I have the opportunity I will reply and hold a consultation online or by phone!

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