Inna Shukshina

These days many educated people aged 25–45 have travelled a similar path. Enthusiastic neophyte zeal, services every week, strict fasting, pilgrimages, arguments with those close to them about faith — all of it gives way to disappointment, emptiness and a loss of interest in church life. Why does this happen and what can be done about it? Wait until it passes by itself, force yourself to do everything the old way, or leave religion?

Today I want to share my reflections and experience on this topic. As what? As simply an Orthodox person, as a psychologist, as a mother of many children and as someone who was an active missionary among young people 10 years ago.

The articles I have read on the subject of leaving the church either simply state the problem, or put on a brave face — things are not so bad, you know — or, as usual, scold “negligent” parishioners. After all, there are those whom everything suits, for whom everything is fine, for whom everything works and who have no intention of changing anything. But what should those do who do not want to go to a service, who see and feel no sense or benefit in fasts, who cannot make themselves read prayers? And life flows along by itself, unconnected with the church, and no lightning strikes from the sky.

Everyone solves the questions of life as best they can, tying them to religion with difficulty, or else spiritual life and ordinary life seem entirely unconnected. Some go to a psychologist, some to a doctor, and some finally allow themselves secular pleasures such as shopping, cosmetics and get-togethers with non-Orthodox friends. But the main question keeps sounding in their head — so what do I do with my faith? Who am I — Orthodox, or not quite any more?  What does God actually want and expect from me? When will I come to my senses and return to the “right” life, or is this present life the more right one? But what about the prescriptions I have not fulfilled — accept it as it is, or repent of it?

Some do not think about it much; it simply happens by itself that there is no time for church — work, family, children, exhaustion. And in a moment of crisis the thought of God does not even arise — God is candles, icons, services and priests, not me,  my oppressive thoughts and my petty everyday problems. Where can God be in all of this? How can you even approach Him with your head uncovered, without a candle, and with a prayer that is not from a book?

And carrying out religious duties  — ordering a moleben, taking the children to communion or simply dropping in to light a candle — is also experienced only with satisfaction: there, I ticked the box, rather like paying taxes or the utility bills. And then back to your own affairs and problems, in which there is no place for God, and the thought of Him arises extremely rarely. As does the thought of the main thing He wanted to convey to us — Love.

What is love? How can we fill every action, every thought and every day with love? Is this possible, or do you have to be a hermit for that? Do we remember, at least sometimes, that God is not the church, not a candle, not even a prayer, but first of all — love? And that this is precisely what fits into any deed of ours, into any minute and any step.

People have a passion for measuring everything by quantity. You can measure how often you go to services, read prayers or fast. But how much love there is in you — you cannot. And how much love there is in another person is all the more impossible to determine by eye. Yet this is exactly what Christ spoke about — that if we have no love, there is no benefit in anything. And the point here is not that on top of doing little and doing it badly, we can also be reproached for doing it without love, so that everything is in vain. But is it not frightening that in the Orthodox milieu the words Bible, Christ, Love and Joy are considered almost like swear words, or at least superfluous, fit for sectarians to utter, while it is more useful for us to speak of Fasts, the Orthodox, Sins and Repentance? Quotations from the Bible are often considered less weighty than quotations from the saints, or only certain quotations, interpreted in a particular way, are in circulation — ones that do not make you want to weep for joy. Joy that God exists, that He is near, that He is with us, that He wishes us good and loves us. Arguments, disputes and anger — yes; but respect and love for people — for some reason, no. Correctness and Proving You Are Right are somehow more important than Love and Love of One’s Fellow Human.

“I hate the ‘God-in-my-soul’ types, they are worse than atheists,” one Orthodox person said about those believers who acknowledge God and say they believe in Him “in their soul”. This fits very well with certain Orthodox ideas! But are they the ideas of the Bible, which calls us to love even our enemies and says that whoever hates his brother is a murderer? And those who at some point understand this, who see the divergence between deeds and feelings and do not see love in religion, feel the urge simply to drop everything and go far away.

But when all the external attributes recede into the background, when you lose interest in everything external and stop being so carried away by it, that is exactly when there is a chance to make the main thing the centre of your life — namely love and God’s presence beside you every minute.

Recently one of my Orthodox clients shared her experience. At one time she led an active parish life for many years, giving all her strength and time to the parish, but at some point she simply got tired and left. She no longer had the strength to sacrifice and to give. To give without receiving anything in return, to labour “for the glory of God”. She wanted at last to think about her own life too — about family, work, personal happiness — and not only about others, wearing herself out. Faith did not leave her life; a period of rethinking and setting priorities simply began, but a distancing  from the church did happen. When it was the feast of the Nativity of the Mother of God, she had thought about it all her life in a slightly detached way — a nativity like any other, one of the feasts. And then suddenly it dawned on her: if you imagine how it was in real life and try to feel it, then a nativity is actually a birthday! And the Mother of God is God’s mum! And this feast is the birthday of God’s mum. And when she named it in those words, she felt joy and an understanding of the essence of the feast; she wanted to buy flowers and take them to the church, and she bought beautiful yellow roses and went as if to a real celebration, the way we go to a birthday party and bring flowers for the person whose birthday it is! Because it is certainly true that the little Christ was like other children and called His mother mum, and not something else. Because sometimes, when we explain something to ourselves the way we would explain it to a child, it becomes simpler and clearer for us too. And how much more feeling of the essence there is in this simple, childlike naming of the feast than in some “Nut Saviour Day”.

A year ago an everyday miracle happened to me as well. We own half a house, and the neighbours in the other half suddenly decided to dig up the water pipe we share in order to cut it (even though that is illegal). Their intentions were most determined. And I felt a wish to ask God for help; I took an icon of the Mother of God, made the sign of the cross with it over the window under which the work was going on, put it on a shelf nearby and thought: “You are our protectress, I believe that you will protect us now too.” And with the confidence that God never lets us down, I calmed down and left.  After that the following happened: at first they could not find the pipe at all, then it started raining and everything was postponed again, and then they did find the pipe, but the trench was simply left dug open. The water stayed with us, and the icon is still standing there.

And I believe that a living faith that we understand, filled with joy and love, is more useful to us than a faith mixed with guilt, shame, fear of punishment and judgement, which strictly regulates when, how, how much and in what posture we have the right or the obligation to communicate with God. Which comes first — love, and then a kiss, or do we kiss those we do not love in the hope that “deeds of love” will help us come to love? It is precisely when we make the love that is inside us the centre of everything that everything external too becomes closer, clearer and filled with meaning. Only by coming to love God can you do everything else. As long as we fear Him, expect nastiness or punishment from Him, or try to gratify Him, our faith remains external and does not touch the depths of the heart.

And at Christmas I will say to my children: today we have a celebration — a birthday! But not of one of us, but of someone who loves us very much and whom we cannot see. And who believes in us, even when we do not believe in Him.

And if you find yourself in a difficult situation where you suffer because you do not feel your faith as vividly as before, because you do not feel love, then write to me at inly@list.ru or to Skype desnly. I have developed a unique coaching method specifically for Orthodox people who want to solve personal problems while staying within the commandments. My clients say that after completing the 3- or 6-month programme they feel love for life and for God instead of decline and disappointment in everything. What do you do if you do not want to spend your whole life sitting in a cave and scolding yourself, but instead want to look good, to be able to rest, to stop worrying about everything under the sun and instead finally get through the whole list of long-postponed tasks? If you are tired of feeling exhausted and drained and want to feel what it is like to be energetic, full of strength and light, and to understand what you are living for. Not at the level of the mind, but at the level of feeling. By writing to me you will be able to have a diagnostic consultation lasting 30–50 minutes by phone or Skype, in which we will find the cause of your difficulties and draw up a plan of action.

My programme is also for you if you are a confident and strong person for whom “everything is fine”, but you have hit the ceiling and your task is to set yourself a new goal so that your eyes light up, to understand what you really want. Gently and without pressure (you have enough inner strength as it is) I will help you make sense of yourself and see new horizons ahead.  Write to me at inly@list.ru or to Skype desnly and I will answer all your questions within a few days. 

And also, download my new mini-book “5 steps to loving yourself” for free!
https://innashukshina.eu/en/book-5-steps-to-self-love/