Inna Shukshina

The rhythm of modern life often gives us no right to rest. You have to meet certain demands, run somewhere, strive for something. It is desirable to rest “usefully” too, preferably actively, while spending time passively is perceived as stopping and going backwards. But is that actually so?

The practising psychologist and coach Inna Shukshina explains how to find your rhythm, learn to rest and enjoy life.

– Why is it sometimes so hard to set aside time for rest, and even hard to allow yourself any? It is clear that every person will have their own answer to this question and their own reasons, but perhaps there are some universal situations in which a person does not let themselves relax?

Inna Shukshina

– In my practice I have most often come across two types of women who get very tired. The first are women who have recently become mothers. They want to be the very best mother for their child and to look no worse than others in the eyes of those around them, to be a good housekeeper and a beautiful woman. But in this period the child itself takes up a great deal of energy, there are fewer resources, and most often it is not possible to run the household as thoroughly as before. 

Sometimes they try to set themselves the task of doing only part of what needs doing and not overexerting themselves, but in practice they often cannot stop, fearing to leave something unfinished. At the same time such women may feel that they are bad mothers or bad wives if they do not manage to complete something. You cannot get everything done; sometimes it seems that there is only a little left, and the moment when it is time to stop and rest is missed. 

The second type are workaholics at work. They take on too many tasks, cannot bring themselves to refuse colleagues’ requests, stay late after work, take work home and give up their holidays. Refusing is frightening; it seems that it will have a bad effect on their career. But gradually they feel more and more exhausted, their sleep and their relationships with those close to them deteriorate, and nervous breakdowns and illnesses begin.

With such an approach there is a likelihood of drawing on the body’s resources that are kept for a rainy day, for some emergency stress or illness. If you do not stop, a day may come when the person can no longer do anything at all, when complete depletion sets in.

Is it worth being depleted for?

Overexertion arises in situations where it seems to us that the matter is worth depleting our inner reserves for. When overexerted, a person can no longer rest even if they want to. To recover, quite a lot of continuous rest is needed — one day off, or even a week or two, will not help. 

– So it turns out that perfectionists are prone to overexertion? And also people with low self-esteem who cannot refuse others?

– Yes, it is a question of not loving yourself. I see such examples especially often among Orthodox clients. We were taught that you must give everything for the sake of others, that love is sacrifice. Believers are often afraid to rest and relax; it seems to them that rest is something almost sinful and idle, and they can drive themselves into a state where treatment becomes necessary. 

– Here is my situation: I come home from work, and even if there is nothing to do for work or (surprisingly) around the house, it is still hard to switch to something pleasant. Sometimes thoughts about problems at work or in life in general keep going round in my head. So what should I do? Perhaps there are ways of switching over?

– I will share a few simple, effective techniques that readers can do this very day if they wish. The most important thing is to learn to focus on your sensations in the present moment. Most often we concentrate on our thoughts, and our sensations pass us by. The day becomes bland, and we get tired because we did not feel, did not live, did not experience each moment 100%. All the sounds, smells and tastes pass us by. This is exactly what I teach in my coaching programmes: recently, for example, one client complained of monotony in her life and boredom, and after doing these simple assignments she told me how she had literally come back to life! 

Learning to contemplate

The first exercise I will describe is called “Contemplation”. It can be done at any moment: on public transport, at home, at work. You need to sit down and set aside about 5 minutes. You need to look out of the window and examine whatever interesting things you see. Allow yourself to be absorbed by this process. For example, you look at a tree, study its branches, the colour of its bark, its shape. You can experiment, looking at static objects as well as moving ones, whichever you like better and works better. Sometimes people buy fish or pictures with moving waterfalls for these purposes. 

You need to shift your focus to perception, to look unhurriedly, to try to immerse yourself in the process and think about nothing. After a short moment of contemplation you will feel rested and will come into balance.

Thinking about nothing

The second exercise is to allow yourself to think about nothing. This can be very difficult, especially the first time. We constantly turn over in our heads what we need to do, what we have already done, who said what about us, who thought what. This takes a great deal of energy. 

It is important to learn to allow yourself to think about nothing for at least a minute. If we cannot manage a minute, we try for as long as we can.

It is very frightening to let go of control; it seems that in that minute something is bound to happen. 

But surely you can allow yourself to think about nothing for at least a second? Nothing will definitely happen in that time. It is important to gain this experience: I am not going to think about anything now, my head will be empty. If a second worked, you can increase it to five. Then it would be good to get to a minute and to several minutes. 

– What should you do with the thoughts that appear in your head at that moment?

– You can combine this exercise with the previous one; then you will be occupied at the same time, concentrated on a visual object. 

Living the moment 100%

The third technique I recommend to my clients is living the moment you are in right now 100%. For example, you sit down to drink tea. You need to concentrate on the sensations that arise in the process, and even deliberately intensify them. Try to feel the taste, the smell of the tea, its temperature; examine in detail the cup you are holding. Listen to the sounds around you — you can put on pleasant music at that moment. 

The secret of a resourceful state is not to live through the day as quickly and intensely as possible, but to learn to live without getting tired. 

– Why is it so hard to “just take a break and rest”? Is some Soviet belief still alive in our heads that rest is evil and idleness? I, for example, spent a long time preparing for this interview, looking for a particular relaxed state from which I would be able to formulate the questions well. 

– Of course, the prohibition on rest comes from our past. If you recall history, our ancestors, serfs, had to work a very great deal; there was no question of rest. Idleness was always condemned, lazy people were censured. In Soviet times it was also important to work at maximum capacity, forgetting about yourself. People did not know how to love themselves; they wanted to be good in the eyes of others and to meet with approval. Many people simply never formed the habit of relaxing and taking care of themselves. 

As for your state — creative mental work really does go best in a balanced state. That is why such negative beliefs about the harm of rest get in the way of working calmly. They sit firmly in our subconscious, and it is not easy to replace them by an effort of will. But they can be worked through with a psychologist or a coach. 

Why resting is frightening

– Recently I had a period of unemployment; you would think that time for rest had finally appeared. But no, I could not allow myself any. It was very frightening to let go of the situation. 

– This prohibition on rest comes from our ancestors, who lived in survival mode: you must not relax, or a predator will come and eat us. Although now our fears are more connected with society and with how it will receive this or that action of ours. Inside many people there “lives” an inner critic who allows neither rest nor care for oneself. 

The roots of such experiences lie in a deep biological instinct. But these are calm times now, and if you work on this belief consciously, something can be changed. 

It is worth setting aside a day when you will do nothing.

Or do what you like. In fact many people do not have the chance to set aside a day a week, but for many of my clients even an hour of such rest was enough and they recovered. 

– I am amazed by people who give themselves no rest, who spend their days off on household chores and driving round the shops. I would not be able to be in perpetual motion and tension, and I worry a little about these people’s health. Sometimes I think: will they not break down one day? 

– Some people really are energetic, they can work a lot and get tired little, and they like this activity. And there are those who would not survive such a regime. What matters is how the person themselves feels with such a routine and what they themselves want. If they are comfortable living to such a schedule, then why not?

– Men, perhaps, find it even easier to relax. It is not for nothing that there are so many jokes about the husband coming home from work, lying on the sofa, drinking beer and watching football. Whereas a modern woman really does sometimes find it hard to find time for herself. Especially if she works, and raises children, and runs the household. And maybe also goes to a drama club and a photography club and dreams of singing.

– From my experience of working with clients I can say that men very often become overexerted at work, that they find it hard to relax afterwards and relieve stress in the ways they are used to. A great many men have come to me with emotional burnout and depletion, and today solving the problem of stress at work is very important for men. They are afraid of not keeping up with modern technology, they are afraid that a more qualified young employee will come along, that there will not be enough money, and so on. For them the subject of rest and relieving tension is no less relevant than for women. 

The mistake of both men and women is that they put rest off. There are people who do not go on holiday for years, then develop nervous illnesses and take pills. Tension and tiredness accumulate, and they use up their body’s reserves. Resting in one holiday day, or in two weeks, when you have not relaxed for a year beforehand, is most often impossible. On holiday such people may have conflicts because of the tension; there is not enough time to relax, and they want another rest after the holiday. 

It is important to find your own rhythm, one in which there will be no overstrain. If you build the exercises I described above into your day, you can be in a resourceful state constantly. In essence it is not hard, for example, to focus on your sensations from food, from breakfast, while taking a shower. In a free minute at work you can do some contemplation. 

Rest is what fills you up

– What can be counted as rest at all? There is a well-known idea that the best way to switch from intellectual work is to do physical exercise. But if after mental work in the office I sit down to read or to write a piece for some publication or a blog — will that be rest? After all, there has been no change in the type of activity.

– You still need to do physical exercise. I had a client who often felt anxiety and could not always find its cause. All of that went away when she started dancing to her favourite music for just 10 minutes a day. 

Balance matters. We often really do forget about the body, especially with a sedentary way of life. But hobbies should not be forgotten either, so that life is varied. As for repeating mental work, it is important to look at your own sensations. If a person feels good resting with a book, why not? 

It is important to hear yourself, to hear what exactly inspires you. To find your own unique point of harmony and balance. With my clients I draw up lists of activities that make them glad. Then they build these activities into their schedule. Many report a surge of strength and energy from the very first week, when they start putting their wishes into practice. 

– What ways of resting passively at home could you recommend? I have run into the situation that sometimes I do not know how to reset at home — for example, I cannot pick a film to match my mood, and as a result I spend a lot of time on social media. Especially when I am very tired psychologically. And afterwards I regret the lost hours. 

– People often come to me with such questions. When clients forbade themselves to spend a lot of time on social media, that still ended up producing the opposite effect. In this way a person is meeting some need that is important to them; they find something interesting, they communicate, perhaps they even contemplate. It is more effective not to forbid yourself but to replace it partly with something else. It is better to plan your rest in advance, to give it a minute before going to sleep. If you do not do that, you can end up doing your habitual activities on autopilot. You can start with something small, replacing part of the time you spend on social media with a short walk or with taking care of yourself. 

– Why is it sometimes so hard to take up something you love that inspires you, to allow yourself joy? What is this — a habit of tormenting yourself? After all, there is both time and desire, but in practice unfinished paintings and unread books in foreign languages lie around for years.

– It is important not to wait for a special time for rest or a hobby to appear. We wait for a special moment — during the school holidays, on our annual leave — but that time then turns out to be taken up with something else. You can start doing something big in small pieces, but regularly. 

It is better not to look for an answer to the question of why I cannot manage to set aside the time, but to ask yourself what I genuinely want right now.

Perhaps I no longer want to read books in foreign languages and finish the paintings. 

One of my clients could not allow herself to take up a hobby; it seemed to her that it was not for serious grown-up people. She was pursued by a fear of judgement from outside, and of course this habit of living with an eye on the opinions of others has its roots in childhood. But we have grown up now and can arrange our day as we want. When we worked through her belief, a great creative talent opened up in her. She remembered that God is a creator too and that it is simply criminal to bury this part of your nature in the ground. 

So it is important to find exactly what you personally like. If you build small minutes of rest into your routine, understand your goals, learn to feel the taste of life, unload your brain and plan your rest in advance, you will feel yourself starting to get everything important done. The feeling of being a squirrel in a wheel will go, and a feeling will appear that you are living in the flow of life and that everything is working out exactly as it should. Then you will not even get tired. Rest will become simply an additional bonus for you, a celebration, without which you would also survive and manage! 

Evgeniya Novoseltseva, Inna Shukshina

Read on Pravmir: https://www.pravmir.ru/my-ukoryaem-sebya-za-len-i-zhdem-otpuska-pochemu-tak-slozhno-vzyat-i-otdohnut/?ysclid=mo2k1k1n3v932164781