Inna Shukshina

Recently I found myself wondering — could I have changed my life so much and moved forward so far if nobody had supported me? The thing is that in real life it was constantly the case that we lived far from friends, that relatives criticised us and did not support us in our views and goals, and that the people around us did not understand. My husband and I supported each other; I was also supported by friends over the internet and by my teachers and trainers. Many people find such a path in life hard to understand — one moment we are setting up an Orthodox society and inviting priests to the Physics and Technology Institute, the next we are moving to an old house in the countryside, the next we are having three children without a solid financial base. We were constantly taking risks, walking on the edge of what was possible; it was hard, but in the end we got what we wanted and found the answers to our questions. It was very sad when somebody close did not support or understand us!

Has it ever happened to you that you share some event that matters to you with somebody — your mother perhaps, a friend or a colleague — expecting them to be glad with you, to encourage you, to appreciate your achievement, and in reply you get indifference or criticism? Perhaps somebody around you constantly notices only your shortcomings and failures and finds the bad side in everything? What do you do in that case? Your mood was excellent, you shared it with somebody — and it went into the red!

The simplest thing is to stop talking to them, but what do you do if that person is, for example, a close relative? Here we have these options to choose from:

✖Take offence and share nothing for a while, then try again, get the same result, and so on round in a circle.
✖Try to explain to the person that this is not what you expect and that it upsets you. They will listen, may argue, will give a reasonable-sounding excuse such as “well, what can I do if I did not like it!”, “who else will tell you the truth”, and will then do exactly the same again.
✖Stop sharing anything with them for good and reduce all contact to the formal. But again, how do you do that if you see each other often — be permanently on strained terms?

⁉ So which option do you choose? None of them is particularly inspiring!

Resentment is unpleasant for us and is unlikely to influence the other person.
An argument will raise a wave of emotion and will most likely produce little result. Controlling your every action will create tension inside.

The way out is to find a core inside yourself! If other people’s words hurt us badly, that means we are too dependent on opinion from outside. We hope to earn the approval of those around us, we want to please them so that they accept us with all our shortcomings, but every time our hopes are dashed. So what do you do about that?

✔Create a supportive environment of people who accept and understand you, and share with them. If everything is complicated with the people around you, that could be a coach or a coaching group, where people come together and move towards a shared goal with a trainer’s support.
✔Learn to support yourself. Get satisfaction first of all for yourself, accept and approve of yourself. Choose whose opinion matters to you and whose does not.
✔Accept people as they are and do not try to change them; change only your attitude to their behaviour and your own behaviour.

✒ Are you managing that? If you want to learn how to support yourself, write to me and we will hold an individual consultation on the subject!