Inna Shukshina

The question of whether to work or not came up for me after my eldest son was born. I wanted to give him the maximum of attention and care, and work seemed so meaningless compared with a baby, his growth and his development. I carried him in a sling, breastfed him, and at the same time defended my thesis at university and worked from home over the internet as a content manager. I liked combining family and work from home rather than travelling somewhere, and to this day I have never worked a classic full-time office job. But in that period work gave me little joy.

A woman should not work?..

Then my husband and I had two more children, and I stopped working altogether, spending all my time on the children and the home. At the same time I came across Olga Valyaeva’s site http://www.valyaeva.ru/ and was won over by the ideas that it is harmful for a woman to work. That first of all you should attend to your feminine role and unfold your femininity. The picture looked very attractive: the husband gives bouquets and dresses, while the wife supports him in his work. I decided that I had not found satisfaction in my work and my speciality because a woman should not work at all, that it only destroys her and takes energy away from the family. I blamed that period of my life when I was studying and working, instead of, as it seemed to me, inspiring my husband towards achievements.

The image created by Olga Valyaeva really is beautiful and attractive. A woman in dresses cooks food, wears jewellery, does not hand her children over to schools and nurseries, inspires her husband to earn, and occasionally pursues her hobby. Only one important detail is missing from this picture:

Olga herself works too, and it is an important part of her life. It is just that her work is writing articles and books and running marathons. And very well paid at that. And someone else’s work is doing hair, teaching children or doing science in a laboratory. If you are a talented doctor or designer, then devoting yourself entirely to family and children will make you unhappy. Not every job can be a hobby. Not every job can be done according to your mood or for 4 hours a day. But work should definitely suit you, unfold your talents and fit together with your family without harming it.

Giving up work you love can make you infantile and passive; there will be little interest in life, a wish for other people to be responsible for your happiness, a constant waiting for your husband to do something, to give you some joy or buy something.

Work you love

Rather, the question of whether to work or not should be reformulated like this: how do I unfold my talents? How do I bring benefit to people and receive money for it? What do I love doing and how do I want to live? What lights me up and how do I choose work that will benefit both me and my family? The either-or question turns into a more creative one: how? And here the answer will be different for everyone. I am glad that there are women who enjoy running classes with children, giving massages or cooking delicious food, and that I can use their services and pay for them. That way there are more people in the world who have unfolded themselves in their work and bring benefit to others.

So it turns out that for Olga herself, inspiration comes first of all from her work. Which lets her see how other people change, gives her a return in the form of thanks, and provides means. It is quite right that it is not unpaid work — the balance of taking and giving matters a great deal. It is only a pity that in the articles on her site the husband is declared the only source of money, and the woman can only ask him for it. But the money from the books was earned, for example, by Olga Valyaeva personally, and that is wonderful; I support a successful business. Things simply need to be called by their proper names: if you have your own business, then it is a business, not the life of a housewife. If you want to adopt someone’s model of behaviour, take it as a whole: that is, also start your own site, write articles, run paid trainings. Then you will have both inspiration and money.  Or else look for your own work.

So it turns out that very important components, without which the picture of the ideal family becomes dreary and boring, are for some reason passed over in silence, and ideas about being “just a wife” and “just a mother” come to the fore.

Here are those important things:

1) Having your own successful business, or a profession that inspires you, brings benefit to people, a good income and a convenient schedule.

2) Travelling, resting, changing the setting and the scenery around you

3) Loving yourself, accepting yourself as you are and living the way you want to.

After all, without these points that very beautiful, joyful picture of the happy housewife might not exist at all.

My husband and I  were very active and enterprising. We launched our own projects online. This work lit me up, but at some point I felt that I was under too much stress. It was just then that I came across Olga Valyaeva’s articles and decided that the problem was that I should not have been doing this at all, that it was a man’s business. I decided to give up any activity outside the family. Gradually depression began to come over me, I started gaining weight, quarrelling with my husband, suffering from a lack of money. My husband somehow began to grow sadder and to respect me less.

Although in reality the problem was something else entirely. I needed to learn  to think not only about the work but also about myself. To be able to restore my energy and also to be able to take money for my work rather than working for free for the sake of an idea. How can you bring benefit to people when you have nowhere to live, nothing to eat and no chance to rest? Money is needed in order to be able to go on doing your work as well.

Not losing yourself

I began to understand that what my husband likes first of all is not quiet domestic women, but me in my active, creative state. When I am learning something new, discovering something in myself, bringing benefit to people,  rather than only pleasing him. For example, according to his sociotype, domestic cosiness is not that important at all. It matters as a background, but it is not what he values a person for.

In reality, colossal changes in life come from realising yourself in work you love, when you find your calling.  When I was not working, was not receiving any money and spent a lot of time on the household and the children, wearing dresses, I felt unhappy and unneeded. And only work I love and contact with people give a charge of energy. The home and the children do not in themselves give energy; they consume more of it. What gives energy and a sense of flight is creativity — creativity that people need — and work that inspires you. Naturally, if you go on maternity leave from a boring job you do not love, switch gears and remember forgotten interests, then for a while things will be easier and better. But if you do not develop further, it will become boring and money problems may begin.

Ladies, what would we do if women did not work! How much benefit is brought by the working women you encounter every day and whose services you use. We do not even notice it ourselves. What would happen if they all left their jobs? By no means everywhere can men be put in their place. Another question is that work should not grind you down, that it should bring satisfaction and a return commensurate with the effort spent, and should unfold our inclinations and talents. But this is not at all a question of femininity and applies just as much to men. It is just as harmful for men to work at a job they do not love and to overwork.

What attracts men is not beautiful looks or the taste of a pie, but a woman who finds life interesting, who is passionate about something, who glows with the joy of work she loves, whose eyes are alight.  She is interesting to talk to, she helps her husband grow. Whereas if her whole world is limited to the family, at some point she herself will be the first to get bored. Children will grow up and will remember not our cleaning and cooking, but the ideas and goals we strove for, and the respect people around us had for us. Do I want my daughter to learn various kinds of creative work, to achieve success, and then simply sit at home and raise children? I think not; I will be glad if she both realises herself in her work and has a strong family. One does not contradict the other, if everything is done with love. And if you approach the question creatively.

Conclusion.

Yes, women have problems. Both with themselves and with their relationships with men. But the root of all the problems is not femininity. It is in beliefs, fears and a lack of love for yourself. My problems were a lack of love for myself, an inability to manage the flow of money,  a mistrust of the world, and a great deal else besides. The feminine role is like the roses on a cake, but it is not the cake itself.

I  work as a family relationship consultant and these topics are very close to me. The programme I use in my work with people helps women get to know themselves better, find what personally makes them glad and inspires them, and stop trying on someone else’s image. Women often have to be restored after trying to force themselves into the image of the ideal wife and mother.

If you have any questions on the topic, write to me at inly@list.ru

Inna Shukshina